Is there anything hotter than some girl-on-girl action? I like men, but when it comes to pornography, penises are just not attractive to look at. Good thing there’s plenty of “lesbian porn” out there for everyone to enjoy. But do actual lesbians watch it? Unlikely, since most of the “actresses” look like they just left the strip club and are generally fucking each other with their hands… or other objects. If lesbians actually wanted something stuck up their twat, they might as well fuck a dick.

YouTube personality Davey Wavey wanted to know what lesbians think of movies such as “Teen Lesbian Sluts” or “Lesbian Seductions.” So he gathered a few to watch some lesbian porn. And they weren’t impressed. Not only because the girls looked like hookers, but because of things like fake nails getting shoved in a vagina. Think about it… that would hurt like shit.

The lesbians also knew the porn had to be made for men—not only because of the dick ads all over the page, but because no real lesbian is going to be turned on by another deep-throating a shoe… that was just up her snatch. And apparently, any real lesbian knows the finger movements in those movies just aren’t realistic. I could agree with that, as it seems most men don’t really know how to rub it right, either.

“Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.” So says the classic shampoo commercial, but a new study indicates a lot of people believe they’re beautiful when they are, in fact, average in appearance. Researchers from the universities of Chicago and Virginia have shown that subjects see themselves as better-looking than they actually are, while rating others based on their actual appearance. Scientists Nicholas Epley and Erin Whitchurch took photos of study participants and, using computers, created more-attractive and less-attractive versions. When asked to choose unmodified image, subjects were most likely to select the attractively-enhanced version.

The results are contrary to a recent promotion from Dove in which women were asked to describe their own faces to a sketch artist. Later, a briefly-acquainted stranger was also asked to describe the women’s faces. When the two drawings were later shown to the women, they were generally surprised to find the stranger’s description produced a sketch of a more-beautiful person.

Dove’s experiment is a great concept, but Epley and Whitchurch don’t believe its results. They describe a general phenomenon psychologists call “self-enhancement.” Research has shown that people not only over-estimate their appearance, but also their likelihood to engage in desirable behaviors. For example, people overestimate their likelihood to vote and the amount of money they donate to charity. Meanwhile, they more accurately estimate positive behaviors displayed by others.

Obviously, not everyone can be above average. But 93 percent of drivers rate their skills as above average. Likewise, 94 percent of college professors believe they do above average work, most people believe they are less likely to fall ill than others, and investors think their stock picks are more likely to be successful than others.

At the same time, most people also predict they provide more accurate self-assessments than others. So are they confident or delusional? Probably a little of both. Scientists believe the phenomenon occurs because of the adaptive nature of self-enhancement. Basically, people tend to show strong negative emotional responses toward deceivers. But through self-enhancement, they truly believe their own desirable characteristics, so they can promote themselves without lying, which boosts their confidence.

Extra confidence drives people to perform better, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Go ahead and delude away.

A lot of women spent their teenage years hearing all about men as sexual predators. Health teachers, parents, and about a million teen movies present males as these insatiable, sex-hungry creatures, ready to pounce on any piece of nubile, young flesh that steps in their path. Watch out, ladies! Men need sex in order to function, and they need it way more than you do.

Maybe all men do constantly think about sex, but the myth of “every seven seconds” has been debunked (amended to about once every hour), and women supposedly have those thoughts just as frequently. Though it’s hard to put a scientific label on any of these “findings,” as a woman, I can personally attest to the truth of that statement.

Ever since the age of nine, when I inadvertently learned about masturbation (I’ll leave it up to the readers to guess what that means, but picturing pool jets wouldn’t put you too far off), I could not stop craving that feeling. Without even knowing exactly what it was, I knew that it was something I wanted to repeat again and again until the day I expired.

So men have to take care of their urges a certain number of times a day in order to maintain sanity—I know plenty of women who have to do the same. They just tend to be less willing to talk about it. Unfortunately, there’s been a long held taboo concerning women who enjoy and want sex frequently. Women who are open about their desire for a plenty of bedroom action get labeled “sluts” and “whores.” Men call them “easy.”

Meanwhile, men receive praise for the number of notches on their bedposts, earning the desirable titles of “player,” “stud,” etc. So what we observe in terms of who wants sex more comes out to a reputation game instead of the genuine truth about people’s desires. Horny women exist!! There was probably one sitting right next to you on the subway on your way home from work today!

However, a simple difference can come between male and female sexual appetites: The Orgasm. For men (who are not inflicted with impotency problems), ejaculation is almost a given. Yes, those drunken moments do come up when even after getting hard finishing the act seems impossible. But I rarely hear guys complaining about failure to reach the peak of the sexual act.

On the other hand, a fair number of my female friends have trouble reaching orgasm. I know a couple who never have. This is always sad to hear, and can be due to a variety of factors, including personal anatomy and even anxiety issues. This problem may account for the women you meet who seem far less intrigued by sex than their male counterparts. It’s difficult to crave sex when the act leaves you frustrated half of the time.

Regardless of how difficult it is for them to “finish,” many of my female friends who aren’t nearly guaranteed an orgasm still love sex and want as much of it as can fit into their busy schedules. One friend of mine had trouble achieving an orgasm with her boyfriend, so she went out and bought a small vibrator. They bring that into the bedroom and sexual satisfaction is guaranteed. I’ve never seen a girl change her tune so quickly when it comes to getting off.

Going back to the initial question (do women want it as much as men), I would have to answer diplomatically and say it obviously depends on the person in question, regardless of their gender identity. However, as long as the lady is not an asexual (and asexual people do exist), chances are she wants to get it on almost as much as, if not more than, you do.

I find it pretty hard to believe in this day and age, but there are still a lot of guys out there who won’t go down on their women. They think it’s gross, or that it smells, which is really ridiculous. I’m sure your sweaty balls don’t smell like roses either, and you want her to put those things in her mouth, right? Grow up. Sex is about a lot of things that should be gross, but aren’t in context. Unless you’re talking about Cleveland Steamers or Golden Showers or some sick, twisted shit like that. If that’s what you’re into, you could probably benefit from a little therapy, but eating pussy is really Sex 101. It’s expected. If you ever want a decent blowjob, you better learn to be a giver, too.

But even guys who don’t think it’s gross hardly ever do it. The problem is that most dudes get so excited when clothes start to come off, that they feel like they have to jimmy-up and jam their business in her as fast as possible before she changes her mind or something. Learn some self-control, buddy.

Another thing guys say a lot—usually when they’re trying to sound cool—is that they don’t care whether a woman comes or not. What they really mean is that they don’t know how to make a woman come. If you really don’t care, then you’re both an asshole and an idiot, and you’re really missing out, too, because when a woman has an orgasm, it’s a whole lot of fun. Plus, it makes you feel like the man, you know?

Anyway, I just don’t get it. I genuinely like going down on a woman. It’s like the first thing I do. Okay, maybe not the very first. Usually, there’s been at least a little kissing and groping before I get down to business like that, but I try to make sure that the first orgasm either one of us has in each other’s presence is brought about by my tongue. Here’s why.

Once you’ve mastered the technique, it’s pretty easy to make her come. And it’s usually pretty powerful too, because—as I hope you already know—clit-based orgasms are a lot more intense than the ones brought on by your humpin’ and pumpin.’ You make her come like that before you even take your pants off? Dude, you’re her knight in shining armor. She’s going to be putty in your hands. There’s a look a woman gets in her eye when you’ve given her that earth-shattering orgasm that’s unmistakable. It says, “You can do anything you want to me.” If you’re not 100% sure you know what I’m talking about, then you’ve never seen that look. When you do, you’ll know.

Now, I know a lot of you dudes out there have no idea how to do it right and this is the point where you expect me to tell you the technique. Well, you’re on your own there, junior. Just watch some porn and you’ll figure it out. Learn from the pros. The one thing I will tell you is to be gentler than you think you should be. Men may like things all hard and aggressive, but women usually don’t. So keep control of yourself.

So, that’s my X-rated advice for the day, kids. Take care of her before you take care of yourself. Keep the ladies happy and they’ll keep coming back for more.

I’m not sure what Jim Morrison was talking about, because there’s no one single type of “L.A. Woman.” We’re blessed with all sorts of different kinds of ladies out here on the left coast. Here are a few of these types of southern California girls, where they’re found, and how to attract them.

The Ingénue

Fresh off the bus from the Midwest, under twenty-five and full of wide-eyed innocence, the Ingénue is a commonly encountered specimen in Los Angeles. She came out here to be a star, so she’s not really looking for romance, but you’re certainly welcome to try.

Habitat: North Hollywood, Burbank, Mid-Wilshire

How to attract her: Can you help her with her acting career? If not, are you willing to lie about it? If the answer to either of those questions is yes, then you’re in. But you better nab her quick, because in all likelihood, she’s about to transform into one of two other types of L.A. women.

The Drama Queen

The Drama Queen used to be an Ingénue, had some success as an actor, at least in theater. This has translated into an over-inflated ego and sense of entitlement, but the rejection she’s faced and the fact that she hasn’t made it big yet have also granted her with massive insecurities. One minute you’re her knight in shining armor, the next you’re the scumbag who’s holding her back.

Habitat: Hollywood, Los Feliz

How to attract her: Go see all her shitty plays and tell her how great she was. She loves to date and falls deeply in love, but she’s also a fan of intense break-ups, so look out.

The Reluctant Porn Star

If the ingénue took a wrong turn on her road to fame, this is where she ended up. She’s not very talented, but she’s pretty—or she was before she got those ridiculous implants and started applying her makeup with a spackling knife.

Image via Juan Camilo Bernal/Shutterstock

Habitat: Encino, Reseda, Northridge

How to attract her: Do you really want to? Well, I guess you can tell her she has the talent to be a mainstream actress. That would probably work. If it doesn’t, offer her some cocaine.

The Hipster Chick

She may have wanted to be an actor at some point, but she’s given that up. Now, she’s too cool for school and incapable of saying or doing anything that’s not dripping with irony. She loves coffee and cigarettes, doesn’t own a TV and only listens to music on vinyl.

Habitat: Silverlake, Echo Park

How to attract her: Wear horn-rimmed glasses and a fedora, and don’t give a shit about anything.

The Flower Child

Most of these specimens have migrated north to San Francisco or Portland, but they can still be seen sometimes in the Los Angeles area if you know where to look. You can recognize her from her sundress and unshaved armpits. She believes in free love, which is good, but she’s probably a raw vegan, so I hope you’re not hungry.

Habitat: Venice, Santa Monica

How to attract her: Don’t shave, use deodorant or have a job, and always carry around a little weed (Don’t worry, it’s practically legal here).

The Gold Digger

Sadly, this is one of the more common types of L.A. women, but luckily they’re easy to spot. The twist here is that you don’t necessarily have to have a lot of money, you just have to have the potential to make it. So if you’re a junior agent or work in the mailroom at an entertainment law firm, she’ll invest her time in you. But if you don’t come through, buddy, you are screwed. All she wants is the house on the hill and the fancy car, so if you’re just looking for a trophy wife, then take your pick.

Habitat: Beverly Hills, Hollywood Hills, any Hills, really.

How to attract her: What are you, an idiot? Just flash your cash!

And that’s enough for now. That wasn’t as offensive as that stupid “Women of L.A.” thing on YouTube, was it? Man, I hope not.

Aw man… I have a feeling some dumb little bastards are gonna get themselves kneed in the nuts this weekend.

VitalyzedTV, a YouTube channel that describes itself as “Russian Dude With A Camera and Some Wonderful Ideas,” released a video a few days ago that’s getting a fair amount of attention. It’s called “How To Get Girls To Kiss You,” and it’s a hidden camera sort of thing that features a guy whom I guess must be “Russian Dude” going up to supposedly strange women and getting them to make out with him within seconds.

Basically, he swaggers up to them on the beach, on the street, in a coffee shop, wherever, and says he wants to ask them three questions. First he asks if they have boyfriends and if they find him attractive (not necessarily in that order), then, if he gets favorable responses, he asks, “What would your excuse be not to kiss me right now?” Or at least he tries to say that. He bungles the line almost every time. Anyway, then he leans in and kisses them and they kiss him back. And I’m not talking about little pecks, I mean full-on Frenching.

It’s pretty amusing, and I’m sure there are some guys out there who think it’s real, but I’d be pretty surprised if that were true, because it seems fake as shit. The girls just aren’t very convincing, I’m afraid.

For one thing, most of them have the same answers to his questions. When he asks if they think he’s attractive, they almost always say, “I guess,” and when he asks if they have a boyfriend, they say. “No, why?” which seems like a strange response to me. Why do you think? Haven’t you ever been hit on before?

And when one girl has the nerve to go off-script and improvise, he gets a little rapey with her. I mean, c’mon, Russian Dude. It’s one thing to lean in towards a girl and see if she goes the rest of the way, it’s another to grab the back of her head and jam your tongue down her throat. She even said no and fought him a little. If that particular girl hadn’t given the worst performance of all of them, I would’ve been tempted to call the police.

Oh, and by the way, after skimming the comments on VitalyzedTV’s YouTube channel, apparently that girl is a porn star named Katie Cummings, which is a pretty big tip-off that this thing was cooked. But sadly, for every non-believer out there, there’s some dumb jackass who comes to Russian Dude’s defense, praising his balls and declaring him king of the pimps.

Now, don’t get me wrong, because I’m a big believer in “anything goes” when it comes to arts and entertainment. I don’t like it when people blame music, movies, video games or YouTube clips for people’s bad life decisions, but I kind of think Russian Dude should’ve added a “don’t try this at home” tag to this video.

In real life, this technique might actually work about zero to five percent of the time, depending on how good-looking you are. The rest of the time, you’re going to get pepper-sprayed or arrested for sexual assault, so I’d advise against trying it.

But I mean, God bless the guy, he’s got a million subscribers watching him realize his “Wonderful Ideas” so he’s clearly onto something. I guess he’s trying to do some Andy Kaufman-type of comedy and is at least partially pulling it off.

So watch the video for it’s mild entertainment value, but please do not put it into practice. Approach women with confidence, yes. Lead with your tongue, no.

“He asked me out on date,” the girl says dreamily.

“A date? No one still goes on dates. What is this, 1985?”

It’s true, dating by its usual definition in today’s culture of overwhelming virtual interaction and instant gratification often seems archaic.

“He said it ironically, right?” her friend presses.

“What’s the big deal?” the girl asks.

“Guys don’t take girls out to dinner anymore,” her friend says matter-of-factly. “They invite you to their apartment, to watch a movie on Netflix. Or bring you to see his friend’s band play…” Or any number of things, including “to the bedroom, for a casual encounter.”

“That feels weird,” she says.

“HE’S WEIRD!”

Though entertaining because of its brutal honesty, the latest viral video from Reverse Cowboys is almost more disturbing than entertaining. Close your eyes while watching: if you ignored the pitch of the voices, could you tell who was suggesting what?

I think not. The sketch completely neuters its characters and takes away all sexual stereotypes of the past; which, itself, is perhaps a social commentary on the world today. Nobody has a gender, everybody gives the same advice, and not even the two people who reject that advice can manage to complete their rebellion.

Still, the video is entertaining, and, critique or no, it’s pretty spot on. Watch it above.

First she broke your heart, then she ripped it out of your chest, took a bite out of it, threw it on the floor and stomped on it. You wandered around in a daze of sorrow and self-loathing for weeks, wondering what you could have possibly done to deserve the way she treated you. But then, those feelings started to fade, making way for the emotion that guys are much more comfortable with: anger.

Oh, that sweet, sweet anger.

Now, you’re fired up as hell. How dare that bitch break up with you? Who the fuck does she think she is? You know stuff about her that she sure as shit wouldn’t want getting out there in the world. Hell, if you wanted to, you could flat-out destroy her. And maybe you do want to. How awesome would it be to see her lost and alone, humiliated and friendless? Then she would regret ever breaking your heart. Shit, by the time you got done with her, she would regret ever even having been born—

Okay, stop right there. Settle down for a second. Take a deep breath. Now repeat after me: “It’s not worth it.”

Got that? No? Still want your revenge? Okay, but hear me out first.

The truth is, unless you’ve somehow found yourself in a sort of Death Wish or Kill Bill type of situation, revenge is most likely not the answer to your problem. It’s tempting, I know, and the truth is, it probably will make you feel better, at least for a little while. But it’s only a short-term solution, a bad idea, and frankly, you should be above that kind of petty bullshit.

When you get dicked over, especially by a woman, you feel like a victim, and your fragile male ego doesn’t like that characterization, so it makes you want to lash out. But you really need to resist the urge to post your sex tapes and nudie pics online, slash her tires, bang her sister or whatever it is you think will make her miserable and thereby make you happy.

For one thing, if you’ll do that, you’ll lose the high ground you’ve got. Right now, she’s the bad guy in the situation. You do something mean and you’ll cancel that out. And as we know, high ground in a breakup is crucial, especially if you have mutual friends. Secondly, taking revenge can backfire. Women are capable of meanness and cruelty on a scale you and I can’t even imagine, and if you try to go toe to toe with her, there’s a good chance you’ll just get humiliated again. And it’ll be worse, because you won’t have your high ground anymore.

The best thing to do is just let it go. You’ll get over it, I promise. There’s plenty of fish in the sea and all that. So just say no to revenge.

Unless someone kills your whole family or whatever. If that happens, go nuts. You have my blessing.

Ahh, the ever-present question in those early stages of dating. Do I text her, or do I suck it up and risk stuttering, pausing, and overall sounding like an idiot on the phone when I call?

Or perhaps that’s not phrased the right way. Maybe the question is rather: Do I call her, or do I risk misspelling, creating a message that will last essentially forever in her phone, and overall reading like an idiot when I text?

The answers to these questions obviously depend on the scenario surrounding your communications. Here are a couple in which it’s better to send her a text:

After meeting on a drunk night out, you wake up with flashes of that gorgeous blonde with the alluring smile and that name…you just can’t remember… But wait, there’s a new number in your phone listed under: “Sxy Blondr.” So maybe your inebriated self isn’t the best at spelling, but at least he knows how to not let a hot girl disappear. Considering this girl may not have been all too sober herself when she gave you her number, it’s best to send a morning after text message in this situation. Don’t do it too early, and maybe referring to your hangover/how she’s feeling will help to keep the mood of the text light and make it so you don’t sound too desperate (which you shouldn’t be—you hardly know the girl). Also, you don’t want to lead off a phone call with: “Hey, uh, what’s your name again…?” You don’t need to know someone’s name in a text message, and you can figure it out if she agrees to meet you again in person.

When you’re in the early stages of dating and you see something that reminds you of her in the course of your day, send her a text. Why not? As long as you don’t overdo it, the gesture will show that you’re thinking of her when she’s not around. If you call at this point, the conversation could easily fall flat. I mean, how much can you say to follow up that you saw her favorite kind of dog wearing a stupid sweater pass you on the street? A picture text of said dog will send the message without forcing you to keep up a pretty flimsy conversation. Also, the girl probably doesn’t want to be bothered by a call when she’s at work or going about her daily activities.

Now let’s consider some situations where the call reigns supreme.

Say you run into a girl you’d been crushing on a while back, a girl you’d flirted with in the past but hadn’t kept track of and so she’d fallen off your radar. Now here she is, standing in line right in front of you at your preferred coffee stop. You guys talk, catch up, share a few laughs, and it becomes clear she is happy to see you again, too. If she happens to give you her digits before taking off with her iced, skinny, vanilla latte, you should definitely consider giving this girl a call if you want to see her later. Since you already know her, the possibility of an extended conversation shouldn’t be an issue. Plus, talking on the phone gives you an extra opportunity to feel out the situation and see if she might want to date you, or just be reunited as friends. It’s near impossible to figure this out over text messages.

Another good time to pull out the ole’ phone call comes after the first date that ends up in your/her bed. A call here shows that you care about more than just getting laid (regardless of that being the truth or not). This isn’t to say that a, “Hey, I had a great time last night” text will fall flat, but if you send one of those, please do follow it up with call a day later to arrange your next meeting… if you want one. Funny how just one, simple phone call is enough to keep a girl from feeling used these days.

Most guys size up a chick in a bar and think the sluttier the outfit, the easier the lay. This is not the case. Sometimes the girl wearing a micro mini and titty-bearing tank top won’t let you lay a hand on her while the one you’ve mistaken for a librarian drags you into the nearest bathroom stall after two minutes of small talk. So what clues can you use to tell whether or not she will bang you?

1. She leans in real close and puts her hands on you while you’re talking.
The closer she gets to you, the closer she wants you to get to her. Take the hint and lean forward, or go a step further and put a hand on her knee. If she doesn’t recoil, you might be good to go.

2. She licks her lips a lot in front of you.
Or bites them, or runs her tongue across them subconsciously. She’s thinking about what it would feel like to have your lips on hers. Or, you know, some other body part…

3. She alludes to past sexual encounters during conversation.
If she talks about sex with other dudes, that means she can imagine doing the same with you and feels comfortable approaching the subject. The more explicit she gets, the more likely she’ll show you what she’s talking about later.

4. She asks you about your bedroom.
This might sound like an odd one, but if a girl is asking about the décor in your room, it’s not because she’s looking for interior design tips. More likely, she’s trying to picture what it would look like to be in there with you.

5.  She doesn’t keep “looking for her friends.”
If you’re chatting up a girl who continually excuses herself to check up on her friends throughout the course of the night, she’s making sure they’re not going to leave without her. She will not go home with you, and she’s probably not very into you, anyway. If she were, she would have forgotten about her friends a while ago.

6. She approaches you first.
When a girl comes up to you rather than you going up to her, you know off the bat that she is interested, and interested based on your looks. If we’re talking pure physical attraction here, this is an obvious clue in your favor.

7. She asks.
Guys aren’t the only ones who can be straightforward. Sometimes a girl will straight up ask you if you want to get down. Don’t be afraid. This rare and intriguing creature is probably great in the sack.

Disclaimer: Of course, none of these hints are guaranteed pathways to consensual sex. Never accuse a girl of leading you on if she does one or more of these in the course of your flirtation. She might just have particularly sexual mannerisms (or be a little drunker than she realizes, which is never something to take advantage of), and there’s nothing wrong with that.