Happy Valentine’s Day
Ah, Valentine’s Day.
Remember back in elementary school when you’d pass out those little cards to everyone? They always had Bugs Bunny or Mickey Mouse or some shit on them. I always gave the cards I liked the best to the girls I liked best. Such simple, innocent times.
Well, it’s been a lot of Valentine’s Days since then, and they’ve changed a hell of a lot. I’ve had a first date on Valentine’s Day, had sex with a girl for the first time on Valentine’s Day, I’ve broken up with a girl on Valentine’s Day, and one year, I even got served with divorce papers on Valentine’s Day. No bullshit. So, I’ve been on opposite sides of the spectrum, there.
But they’re not usually that eventful. If you have a girlfriend or a wife, there’s a lot of pressure on that day. You have to make reservations at a nice restaurant, and you had to have done it months ago. You have to send her flowers, buy her a teddy bear or some jewelry or something, and if you don’t do all that, then god help you. But if you do, what do you get out of it? Well, you get laid, but she’s your girlfriend, so it doesn’t really count. Just kidding, ladies, but you know what I mean. Don’t get me wrong, I can go for a little romance every now and then, but the thing about Valentine’s Day is that it’s all an obligation. It’s a pain in the ass. It’s like being ordered to lavish a ridiculous amount of attention on your woman.
It’s easy to see why the single girls get so bitter this time of year. All their friends are getting treated like queens and they don’t get shit. Women hate Valentine’s Day when they’re not in a relationship. I, on the other hand, fucking love it. And so should you. It’s way more fun than when you have a girlfriend.
Don’t go to Valentine’s Day single mixers, though. Those things are depressing as hell. Trust me. No, you want to head for the bars. You don’t have to go far on a Valentine’s night to find a group of girls who are going out to celebrate their independence or pretend they hate men or whatever it is. They’re incapable of being alone on February 14th, so they travel in packs. That makes it easy for guys like you and me.
Here’s a little trick that works pretty well. Find a table of those girls and buy them a round. When the waitress or bartender points you out, just raise your glass and say “Happy Valentine’s Day,” then go back to your fake conversation with your wingman. That’s step one. Step two is to position yourself somewhere between that table and the bathroom. When the one you like best passes by, stop her and talk to her. While you’re working your magic, your wingman goes over and entertains the rest of them. Once he’s established his presence there, step three is to lead your girl back over to the table and sit down.
Now you’re at a table with four single girls. Oh yeah—I forgot to mention that, and it’s important—always do this with groups of four or more, because if both you and your wingman both manage to score, the odd girl out has to have someone to leave with. Her friends won’t let her go home alone, and then nobody gets laid. So don’t risk it. The bigger the group, the better your odds, anyway.
Some guys will try this trick or ones like it on bachelorette parties, but it never works. For one thing, bachelorette parties hardly ever break apart for a guy. For another thing, most of the girls at a bachelorette party probably aren’t single. The beauty of Valentine’s, is that if a girl’s not with a guy but with other girls, then she’s either single or a lesbian.
And honestly, either one is fine by me.
[Image via Shutterstock]
I want more stuff like this!