White House Petition Requests National Anthem Change To R. Kelly’s ‘Ignition (Remix)’
The White House Web site has gotten some pretty crazy petitions since its agreement to response to any that receive at least 100,000 signatures in 30 day. Remember the request that the government commission a Death Star? What about the petition to designate National White GeNOcide Day? Yes, it existed. But a new petition may be one of the most extraordinarily peculiar ideas ever presented: Change the national anthem to R. Kelly’ 2003 hit “Ignition (Remix).”
No, it’s no joke. Someone out there thinks lyrics such as, “So baby gimme that toot toot; Lemme give you that beep beep; Runnin her hands through my ‘fro; Bouncin on 24s” are a better representation of the United States of America than the classic, “And the rocket’s red glare, the bombs bursting in air; Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there. Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave. O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave?”
Of course they are. I can’t believe no one thought of it before. In 2016, when our Olympic athletes stand on top of the podium, and we hear our national anthem played, we definitely want lines such as, “Got every man in here wishin; Sippin on coke and rum; I’m like so what i’m drunk; It’s the freakin weekend baby; I’m about to have me some fun,” running through the world’s minds.
Don’t get me wrong, “Ignition (Remix)” is a sweet track. It gets me moving, as I’m sure it does you. But a national anthem? I think not. Here’s what the petitioner had to say:
“We, the undersigned, would like the Obama administration to recognize the need for a new national anthem, one that even a decade after its creation, is still hot and fresh out the kitchen. America has changed since Francis Scott Key penned our current anthem in 1814. Since then, we have realized that after the show, it’s the afterparty, and that after the party, it’s the hotel lobby, and–perhaps most importantly–that ’round about four, you’ve got to clear the lobby, at which point it’s strongly recommended that you take it to the room and freak somebody. President Obama: we ask you to recognize the evolution of this beautiful country and give us an anthem that better suits the glorious nation we have become.”
OK, so we’ve already talked about the inappropriate lyrics. Now let’s look at it this way… “Star Spangled Banner?” Penned by Francis Scott Key, a Nineteenth century author and lawyer who wrote what later became the national anthem as he watched the American flag continue to wave during a battle of the War of 1812. Nice. “Ignition (Remix)” on the other hand? Written by R. Kelly. Awesome R&B artist, but pees on little girls. Eh, next question, please?
I want more stuff like this!